I'd Swear It Mentions Cockfighting

WANTED

Police Say The Suspect Is Heavily Armed.

Republicans, Christians Fatter Than Normal People

STUDY: Republicans, Christians Fatter Than Normal People.

A study just released by the Federation of American Teachers Shepherds and Osteopaths (FATSO) provides startling evidence that members of the Republican party and all followers of Christ are 97% more likely to be obese than normal people.

The study, which spanned a 30 year period ending in December 2005 has provided mixed, and somewhat surprising reactions among members of the groups taking part in the research.

“I’m not surprised at all,” said Rev Neeander Thall of the Glorious Whole Life of Christ (or Glory Whole, as it’s better known) in Clovis, Ca. “In fact anyone who knows the bible is fully aware of the frequent references to “Abundant Life. It’s right there after the part where it says homosexuality is evil and Harry Potter is the adopted son of Satan,”he said.

“What in God’s name do you think that means,” said Rev Thall. “I’ll tell what it means you Taliban-loving heathen” he said as he gestured to a reporter. “It means, by God, we’re supposed to eat until our thighs rub together like two lesbian strippers at Jimmy Swaggart’s Easter party.That’s what it means.”

Thall went on to say that he also believes skinny people are tools of the devil and should be “fattened up or thrown out.”

Alabama Reublican senator Harry Sax, well known for his controversial attempt to ban the use of the word “balls” in all sporting events, told a newspaper Thursday that he felt the Abundant Life theory also held an answer to the nations immigration problems.

“Hell,” said the 368 lb former police chief, whose friends call him “Booger”, “I mean have you ever eaten a 10 year old Honduran boy”. “I’m telling ya Bubba, it’s like a tender mix of beef jerky, mango and chili peppers. It’s kinda tropical. Goes well with a nice glass o’ rum on those warm summer evenings,” he chortled.

“I’ll tell you what,” said Sax,” people in this country start changing their goddamn diet and we ain’t got a immigration problem. You understand what I’m saying?”

“Say son,” said Sax to a reporter, “all this talk of food’s making me kinda peckish. What you say you and me go get some lunch? I feel like some Mexican."

Why Why Why?

I spent three hours standing on hot blacktop in 98 degree heat waiting to spend five minutes photographing Arnold Schwarzenegger as he gladhanded a crowd of morons. Most of the people in the crowd had no idea of his politics but instead were there to see a “movie star”. One douchebag told me that he had no idea what party Arnold was in but that he is proud of the fact that “Our governor can kick the ass of every other governor.”

Ahh yes, the future is indeed bright for this state.

My Night With Madonna or Where All the Gay Men in Fresno Were Monday Night

I photographed a Madonna concert Monday night and while I’m no fan of her music the evening was entertaining. I saw more limousines and gay men than I’ve ever seen in Fresno. It was like the Gay Pope was in town and everyone wanted to kiss her ring.

I was allowed to shoot the first 4 songs before I was tapped on the shoulder by my minder and led off the floor of the arena. Most acts only allow 2 or 3 songs to be photographed so I guess I should be thankful for the extra song, which saw Madonna riding a huge stripper pole with a leather saddle over the crowd.

Anytime you shoot one of these big concerts you have to deal with all sorts of uptight PR people who are paranoid that you’re going to illegally photograph or record the show. Most acts require you to sign a waiver which makes it illegal to sell the pictures or post them on any websites other than the media outlet that assigned you to the show. Madonna’s “people” however were very cool and never asked me to sign anything and even sent me a press release telling me exactly how far from the stage I would be and what songs I would be photographing. I would prefer to be cut loose to wander as I please but that’s never going to happen so you just have to take what’s given.

Still, there are always Spinal Tap moments at these things and last night was no exception. As the first PR person was taking me from the lobby of the arena to my shooting position we were stopped by a man mountain of a security guy who informed the PR person that “she diddn’t have escort privileges” and couldn’t take me backstage and onto the floor of the arena. It took a series of calls on her walkie talkie, several whispered conversations with various official looking folk before we were finally cleared to make the 30 second trip through the forbidden zone known as backstage and to my final resting place near the sound board.

Once at my shooting spot I discovered that they had me standing on a platform above the level of the crowd, which was good for me but clearly not good for the people in the seats behind me. They were understandably a little upset that their $300 seats were located directly behind a 6 foot 5 photographer on an elevated platform. If it had been a heavy metal concert I may have been used for a punching bag but Madonna fans are far more polite than they should be. Other than a few “down in front” comments the most I heard from them was “ Ahh, say, just for my information are you going to be standing here all night?”

My favorite picture of the night wasn’t published. Madonna holding a guy in a dog collar on a leash was apparently too much for readers of the Central Valley. Too bad, I think that’s exactly what the average local family should see while eating breakfast.

Shiver Me Timbers And Blow Me Down

NASCAR is a form of mental retardation which can only be cured by a fiery death.