Republicans, Christians Fatter Than Normal People

STUDY: Republicans, Christians Fatter Than Normal People.

A study just released by the Federation of American Teachers Shepherds and Osteopaths (FATSO) provides startling evidence that members of the Republican party and all followers of Christ are 97% more likely to be obese than normal people.

The study, which spanned a 30 year period ending in December 2005 has provided mixed, and somewhat surprising reactions among members of the groups taking part in the research.

“I’m not surprised at all,” said Rev Neeander Thall of the Glorious Whole Life of Christ (or Glory Whole, as it’s better known) in Clovis, Ca. “In fact anyone who knows the bible is fully aware of the frequent references to “Abundant Life. It’s right there after the part where it says homosexuality is evil and Harry Potter is the adopted son of Satan,”he said.

“What in God’s name do you think that means,” said Rev Thall. “I’ll tell what it means you Taliban-loving heathen” he said as he gestured to a reporter. “It means, by God, we’re supposed to eat until our thighs rub together like two lesbian strippers at Jimmy Swaggart’s Easter party.That’s what it means.”

Thall went on to say that he also believes skinny people are tools of the devil and should be “fattened up or thrown out.”

Alabama Reublican senator Harry Sax, well known for his controversial attempt to ban the use of the word “balls” in all sporting events, told a newspaper Thursday that he felt the Abundant Life theory also held an answer to the nations immigration problems.

“Hell,” said the 368 lb former police chief, whose friends call him “Booger”, “I mean have you ever eaten a 10 year old Honduran boy”. “I’m telling ya Bubba, it’s like a tender mix of beef jerky, mango and chili peppers. It’s kinda tropical. Goes well with a nice glass o’ rum on those warm summer evenings,” he chortled.

“I’ll tell you what,” said Sax,” people in this country start changing their goddamn diet and we ain’t got a immigration problem. You understand what I’m saying?”

“Say son,” said Sax to a reporter, “all this talk of food’s making me kinda peckish. What you say you and me go get some lunch? I feel like some Mexican."