Heck On Wheels

Madera Skate is located in an old warehouse on the county fairgrounds right next door to the big dirt moron magnet that goes by the name Madera Raceway. You know the kind of place I’m talking about, the kind of place where guys who seem to have been born with greasy oil stains on their face and limbs get drunk and watch oversized go carts drive in circles for three hours every Saturday night.

None of that inside the metal walls of Madera Skate though. Monday’s and Friday’s it’s home to the local women’s roller derby team. What happens in this place the rest of the week is somewhat of a mystery, though a sign on the wall near the men’s room announces that Wednesday night is “Christian Night.

Apparently the owners of the facility are either members of a liberal sect or they really need the money the team pays to rent the joint because a similar place in Fresno banned the team after the owners caught a glimpse of some of the ladies tattoos.

It’s pretty much the same sport that we all watched on tv when were kids, The Kansas City Bombers and LA T-Birds seemed to be the only two teams that ever played but there must have been others.

The new version seems to be more Suicide Girl than prison matron but the skaters do come in all shapes and sizes. The ladies do sport nicknames that seem to come right from old school pro wrestling like “Goodie Two Bruise” and “Nancy Knuckle Cruncher”. ¬¬¬¬¬
The women were friendly but something told me that like the Hells Angels you wouldn’t want to hurl an insult at one of them unless you felt like having the holy shit roller-stomped out of you by the entire pack.

For such a violent game, the atmosphere at the practices is fairly mild. Some of the skaters bring their boyfriends and husbands, one of whom was doing his finance homework while waiting. Several of the women brought their kids, who were far more annoying than any adults in the building.

I’ve always thought roller skating was kind of stupid but then I’d only ever seen kiddie skates and this Godawful event they have in Fresno every year called the National Roller Skating Championships. It’s three-day international event that features a group of candy assed dandies and their teenage girl- beards prancing around an arena on roller skates to really crappy music. Imagine not even being cool enough to “compete” in ice skating and you have an idea of how fucking ridiculous the whole concept is.

So what I’d like to see is one of these roller derby teams crash the National Roller Skating Championships and skatter some of these ponces like bowling pins, throwing elbows and stomping on $700 skating outfits with their dirty wheels.

Can I Get An Amen?
I Said, Can I Get An Amen?